I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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