Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
