Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you traded sex for a burrito?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
