a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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