Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
as a side note pls kill me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
