12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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