i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
