Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
