Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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