I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
