Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
