Your tits are I can't wait for
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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