LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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