I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
