it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
