i just wanna soil my oats bro
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
