he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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