Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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