so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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