Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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