I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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