Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
