I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
