It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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