it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
