today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
