I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
