My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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