At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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