Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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