i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
