Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
