You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
