I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
