i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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