My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
