"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
