My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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