when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
