i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
