My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
