Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
