I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
