just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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