I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
