I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
