God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
