if you like me you must not know who I am
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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