so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
