I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
