i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you guys were way drunker than both of me
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
